your first letter. [19th January 2008]

Dear Hailee, This letter has a very important date. The 19th of January was actually the due date I had with you. It's also two days after you come home. I want to start writing you letters so that when you grow up and have a family of your own you can share them. Let me start by telling you how much I have grown in love with you in these past few months. From the time Daddy and I found out we were going to have you was hard. I was sick, just let me say I would not change one single thing!!. Squishy (your nick name while you where in my belly), everyday you are teaching me how to be a mother, and a better human being. There are certain moments that keep flashing back in my mind every time I talk about you. My first memory, the first time I laid eyes on you when the doctor laid you on my belly after your delivery, and you were so tiny and still. Daddy and all the doctors and nurses and I where all silent, waiting to hear your first cry. It seemed like a lifetime went by. Finally after a few minutes you opened up your mouth, took a deep breath in and made the world stand still while you let everyone know you had arrived. In that moment I was praying that you would be ok, I was laughing and crying at the same time!! I was lost in that moment and all I wanted was to cuddle you and kiss you. But due you being eleven weeks early (29 weeks). The doctors had to take you away into the special part of the hospital to help you, you could not breath on your own and needed a special tube to help you. My second memory, the nurses allowed me to go into the special unit of the hospital called the Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit (NICU for short), I was wheeled in on the bed. They opened up the crib and laid you next to me. I could not believe how tiny you looked! I remember my first words I whispered you to "I love you baby girl and always will". I went back up stairs to see the family who had come in just after your birth. I told them "her nose is so big". They all laughed. My third memory, we had to come up with a name for you. I wanted to name you after your great grand mother Margaret Joan. But Daddy was not to keen on Isabella Joan. The name he had come up fir you was Samantha Jade. I did not like it. I even had the rest of the family telling us what names they liked. I had loved the name Hailee Nicole since I was about 18 weeks pregnant. I told Daddy that, that is the one we should go with. I took you into my arms and for the first time and I finally felt like a real mother, you where finally in my arms properly after 24 hour. I looked deep into your eyes and knew we had picked the right name for you. My fourth memory would have to be the day you came home. I was so nervous and scared. I had never been alone with you before and was petrified I would do something wrong. But I am glad your Daddy was there to reassure me that I was going to be a good Mummy. Did you know that if you had waited ten more days you would have his birthday. I think that has to be the best birthday present ever!. We found out we where pregnant with you on Mothers day1 THat day will forever be imprinted on my brain, it has to be the greatest day to find out you are going to be a family. My poor baby, you have been through so much in such a short amount of time. But until the second letter, stay as cute as you are! We will always love you because you are our child, not because of what you do. Being your parent has been one of the greatest gifts in my life. Mummy!